Evening Heartbreaks By: Tuan Batin No comments

Today, February 25th. Its snowday here now, a little. 5pm. I am Sitting on bed, under a warm sheet, and staring at the outside of the window. About the fences, trees, and neighbors' roof. Snow falls outside. Cloudy. No sunlight almost. I am breathing real hard.

I cant imagine how freezing it is in the outside. I cant even imagine how freak this room is without the air-warmer —I actually call it magic warmer, haha. But now, i can literally imagine how freezing and freak my heart is, without having you. Yes :')

I have been having cold since last week, i actually dont know what kind of cold it is. But I find my body fall and fall, all over again. The doctor said to me that im alright, and i really am. Nothing happens to me, im pretty okay. No, just okay. But i dont know why my mom told me to stay on my bed. She actually always does. She likes not letting me go, like literally.

But the fact is, momma never let me to see the doctor firstly for the result of the checking up. She always sees the doctor before me. I dont know why that's so. Also i dont know what the doctor tells my mother, and what my mom says to the doctor. They always say that im okay, and i will be.

My mom doesnt actually hate you. I dont literally know whether she's just angry or jealous. But in fact, she always knows that the only reason why i am okay is you. Only thinking about you can always make me okay. Imagine how great it is if only i can have you on my own! I know..i know..

I know that momma had lost her child once and she wont let that happen again. Death just happened like that to my older sister with no good reason. I am pretty sure that my mom knows how hard it is losing a hope. No, not "a hope" like what you think.

Every mom, that has born a baby, will always be putting good hopes for the that baby's future. But she lost those hopes she had put on a that baby, she lost the baby. But God made her having a chance to put another hopes to me, second Son. She has put so many hopes on me, like surely. She always wants me to be what she want. And i never have a gut to say "no". Bc this far, i think she is always right. When someday i grow old, i dont want to find my self to end up regretting the time that i had said "no" to her. It would be really pathetic.

This evening, i really just wanna write about you. I really miss you. But every each snowfall, seems like it falls one by one, reminds me that you are not meant to be for me anymore. It kills me a little. But a little part on the deepest heart, is telling me that you still have a same feeling for me. But for once again, the other side againsts that.

Sometimes, i think that God has Shown the way that you are not for me. But sometimes, i also think that it's just a break for your heart, so you can be ready to love me again.

But in fact, the reasons you leave me are because you lost the feelings for me, you got bored, you messed with your feeling, you wanted freedoms and at some points i found you love anyone else. I used to oftenly find you got bored but i always find a way to get you back, but it's different. I have been through hell, i have been through the hardest part of being with you, but i dont feel the same now. Some, even i literally think that i have to say goodbye. But "goodbye"s are meant for lonely people, standing in the rain.

So many girls come-go passing my life, and i was okay. But now it's different, it means you are really special fo me, yesterday, now, and then. Cause you are the only exception, my only exception.

Warm love for cold evening,

—DAP a.k.a @tweetbatin

(Untitled) By: Tuan Batin No comments

Tiga bulan berlalu menghapus tiga tahunku. Banyak hal terjadi padaku, banyak hal terjadi padamu yang berpengaruh padaku. Benar benar tak ada lagi harapan bagiku untuk dapat mewujudkan cita-citaku bersamamu nanti. 

Nyatanya, semua berbeda sekarang. Kamu bukan lagi kasih yg aku kenal dulu. Hidupmu penuh dengan realita para lelakimu. Satu, dua, tiga, empat, Lelaki sudah kau taklukan dan dengan mudah engkau jamahi hatinya. Tiga tahun bersamamu dengan penuh keyakinanku, aku pikir kamu barang langka dan mahal yg tak mudah didapatkan seadanya. 

Tiga tahunku dengan penuh keyakinan, hatimu benar benar utuh untukku jamahi semauku, ku pikir kamu tak mudah jatuh hati. Tiga bulan berpisah, aku tahu kini kamu terlalu berpetualang, terlalu mudah dijatuhkan hatinya pada kebaikan seorang lelaki bermodal kenyamanan. Bahkan rasanya, aku tidak tahu apa semua ucapanmu tentang hatimu, tentang masa depanmu, tentang impianmu, itu semua benar. Atau bualan wanita pemimpi yg dengan mudah mengucap kepada semua lelaki bermodal kenyamaan itu? Ataukah hanya bualan murah seorang gadis labil yg mengumbar mimpi2nya ke banyak lelaki? 

Kini nyatanya tiga bulanmu tidak hanya menghapus tiga tahunku di belakang, tapi juga menghapus tujuh, delapan, sembilan, bahkan belasan tahunku kedepan, tergantung kapan usiaku akan menutup. Aku bahkan tidak tahu lagi apa yg akan kulakukan setelah ini. Tak tahu bagaimana harus menata kembali impianku kedepan. Iya, impianku yang sudah dijual murah untuk menebus kebahagiaan utuhmu yg kau gadai ketika bersamaku. Aku tahu, kau telah cukup tegar untuk menggadaikan bahagiamu hanya untuk bersamaku sejenak, yg hasilnya hanya berbuah air mata. 

Harusnya dari awal, jika kau tak berani akan resiko seperti ini, tak perlu kau ambil kesempatan untuk menyayangi seorang lumpuh dunia sepertiku.

Tiga bulan, kurasa itu cukup matang bagimu untuk dengan mudah menghapuskan aku dari hari harimu. Ampuh. Tapi tak cukup separuh umurku untuk mengentasku dari batinku ini. Nyatanya, lelaki yg kau gadang2 itu jauh lebih baik dariku, bahkan jauh lebih lihai menggeserku. Menggeserku dari harimu, dari impianmu, dari masa depanmu, bahkan jauh dari hatimu. Hingga jatuh aku pada ususmu, dan tenggelam dalam kumbangan hina dari duburmu.

Datang tak dari mata, bersemayam sejenak dalam hatimu, lalu jatuh dalam gempita ususmu, dan akhirnya akan berakhir pula pada kumbangan di duburmu. —realita hidup seorang gembel tak punya makna.

Love, seonggok kotoran dari yang ditinggalkan,

—DAP a.k.a @tweetbatin